Why the attention your partner receives from others is likely to decrease your desire for them

Have you always thought that the attention your partner receives from others would make them more attractive to you? Think again. A new study from Reichman University reveals a surprising twist in how we respond when others show interest in our partner.

The study, led by Professor Gurit Birnbaum and Professor Doron Friedman of the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology at Reichman University, explored how the attention a partner receives from others affects sexual desire, commitment in the relationship and the tendency to keep competitors away. . The results are published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Choosing a partner is one of life’s most important decisions, profoundly influencing an individual’s happiness and life course. It is therefore not surprising that over the course of evolution, humans have developed strategies to help identify suitable partners while minimizing effort and risk.

A common strategy is to observe how others react to potential partners. Have you ever found someone more attractive after seeing them receive positive attention from others? This phenomenon, known as “mate copying,” occurs in both humans and animals. It serves as a shortcut for people to identify suitable partners.

Studies have shown that when people notice others’ desire for a potential partner, they tend to view that person more favorably. This evaluation process does not stop once the relationship is established. People continue to try to assess their partner’s worth and are often influenced by how attractive others find them. However, the meaning of caring for a partner can vary depending on the context, whether at the beginning of a new relationship or within an established relationship.

The study examined what happens when we see others flirting with our current partner. Would this attention have a similar effect, or could it provoke a completely different reaction, given that it could signal the possibility of losing our partner to someone else?

The study also explored how others’ attention to a partner influences our perception of their attractiveness and the effort we invest in maintaining the relationship. Does this attention make people want their partner more, or perhaps does it cause them to fear potential threats to the relationship and react defensively?

The study included three experiments designed to explore this question. In each experiment, participants in a committed relationship were exposed to scenarios in which their partner received unsolicited attention from another person (external attention conditions) or engaged in a neutral interaction with someone. ‘another (control conditions). Following these scenarios, participants rated their sexual desire for their partner, their propensity to engage in behaviors that would preserve the relationship (such as doing something nice for their partner), and their interest in deterring competitors who expressed interest. for their partner.

In each of the experiments, a different method was used to manipulate exposure to external attention directed toward the partner. In the first experiment, participants were asked to imagine a scenario in which someone else expressed interest in their partner (without any reciprocal response) or had a neutral interaction with them.

For example, one participant described the following scenario: “We’re at our usual bar and out of nowhere this beautiful girl starts looking at my partner. I asked, “Who is that?!” And my partner said, “I have no idea.” But it was strange, you know? Things like this don’t happen by chance. Who is she and what is the story?

The second experiment aimed to create a tangible but controlled environment to explore the same question, using virtual reality. Participants donned VR glasses and found themselves in a crowded virtual bar, where they observed an interaction between their partner and a virtual stranger. The stranger flirted with their partner or remained neutral.

In the third experiment, the researchers’ attention shifted from imagined scenarios to actual experiences. Participants were asked to recall a real-life incident in their relationship in which someone expressed interest in their partner or had a neutral interaction with them. For example, one participant recounted the following: “We were in Tel Aviv, when suddenly this guy came and asked me for my girlfriend’s number. but my mind was already filled with questions: what if she found him attractive? Could I lose her? Would she be happier with him?

Results from both the individual experiments and the overall study revealed that when participants observed others showing interest in their partner, they experienced decreased desire for their partner, a lesser propensity to invest in the relationship, and a strong desire to repel “rivals”. “The importance people attach to the attention their partner receives from others varies across contexts.

When a person is looking for a partner, such attention can serve as evidence of that partner’s worth. However, in an established relationship, the same attention may be perceived as a threat indicating the possibility of losing the partner to someone else. Fear of losing a partner can trigger defensive reactions.

To protect ourselves from the potential pain of such a loss, we can create emotional distance from our partner and stop investing in the relationship in order to soften the blow we would suffer if our fears materialized. At the same time, anger over attention to our partner from competitors can lead to efforts to fend off these rivals. These aggressive reactions may, however, be more a matter of a need for revenge on competitors than a real desire to preserve the relationship.

Professor Birnbaum, of the Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology at Reichman University, said: “Although some people may try to make their partner jealous by attracting the attention of others, in the hope of feeling more desirable or safer, research indicates this tactic can backfire. relationship, it can undermine the very bond it seeks to strengthen. »