Shouldn’t sexuality in couples be considered in the light of equality? However, considering the recent Ipsos.Digital survey, forcing yourself to perform sexual activity without wanting to do it yourself is more common than you might think, and this in order to please your partner. Does this mean that there is compromise under the covers, like a sort of reminiscence of marital duty? It has a name: sexual debt.
According to the results of a recent Ipsos survey for the condom manufacturer Durex, four out of ten French people say they have already felt a “sexual debt”. This would even be the case for one in two women. What is it about ? It can occur at the end of a successful romantic evening or a long period of abstinence within the couple… After a first date or after years of relationship! “ Sex debt is feeling indebted for any sexual activity. », summarizes sexologist Margaux Terrou on her site InternetInternet.
In other words, this means that one person in the couple participates in sexual activity without having felt the desire. This under the weight of a tacit social injunction and/or with the idea of fulfilling what was previously called marital duty. According to the Ipsos.Digital* survey, one in two French women would have “ ever felt sexual debt “. And this, in “ 43% of cases, in order to please their partner “. Which makes the authors of the survey say that “ the sexuality of the couple is not always synonymous with pleasure and fulfillment “.
Sex, not always synonymous with pleasure
The subject is of interest to academics. It was even the subject of an article in an issue of Journal of Anthropologists published in May 2019. Its title: Consenting to sexual experiences without wanting to. The authors evoke a “system of representations” through which “ female sexuality is thought of as a debt of sex, in response to the compelling needs of men “. And this, in a “ logic of accountability, revealing the asymmetry of social gender relations “.
Which brings anthropologists to the question of consent. “ If young women find themselves more often than young men accepting unwanted sexual transactions, it is not so much because they are less able to say “No”that because in “the order of gender”female sexuality is posed as a “sex debt” “. Which therefore brings “ young women to feel indebted to men’s sexual expectations “.
Ask yourself the right questions about this “logic of accountability”
As Léa Séguin, doctoral student in sexology at the University of Quebec in Montreal (UQAM), explains, cited by Margaux Terrou, “ behind that there is the idea that (…) that sexuality is a thing, a resource that we give, that we lose, that we get taken, rather than an activity done for the pleasure of all stakeholders. As if it were an economic exchange “. What has its eyeseyes is obviously very “ problematic “.
On her website, Margaux Terrou gives several tips for identifying and getting out of this logic. If you are concerned, start by asking yourself: “ What do I want? “. Which implies following your desire. Also ask yourself this: “ If my partner hadn’t done this, would I act differently? “. And to conclude: “ It’s about being in real connection with your body to identify what you really like “.
* Ipsos study.DigitalDigital for Durex, carried out from January 16 to 18, 2024 with a sample of 3,000 people, representative of the French population aged 18 to 75, constituted according to the quota method, with regard to the criteria of sex, age, socio-professional category and region of residence.
